I was flying down El Camino the other day, thinking about how I feel about Prius Drivers, when this monstrosity sidled up next to me.
I was preoccupied with the Prius directly in front of me (they’re known to move erratically due to their drivers’ poor mental health), so I didn’t immediately give the green blob the attention it deserved. Shortly, however, the Prius braked hard, swung around 180º to face me, and swerved backwards down El Camino for about 100 feet before flipping on its back in the center divide where it burst into flames. As I passed it, I heard the passenger scream, “I TOLD YOU THE ARROWS WOULDN’T GO BACKWARDS IF YOU DID THA—OH MY GOD YOU’RE ON FIRE!” My attention released, I turned it to the mysterious green car that hovered in my periphery.
Now, I’d like to take a quick break. We all know I’m going to say horrible, terrible things about how ugly and stupid this “car” is while insisting upon referring to the “car” with quotes like that. Don’t worry, we’ll get there. But first, I’d like you to look at ZapWorld’s web site:
It looks like these people might make and sell electric vehicles, but because their website was raped by a 1999 Yahoo portal concept, it’s hard to tell—they might just buy the vehicles from more innovative companies in third world countries and resell them in the US. This fugly-induced ambiguity is relevant, because it’s reflected in the company’s vehicle design as well. Let’s go back to that.
To clarify yet again, I object to Prius drivers, not the Prius itself. Although it’s not quite my aesthetic, I think the Prius is a decent vehicle. I cannot say the same for the green Xebra Electric Sedan from ZapWorld (or “ZapCar” or “ZAP!”…they’re not very consistent on their site). This thing looks like a Yugo H-1600, a BMW Isetta, and a Piaggio MP3 got together and did something obscene in a poorly-lit parking lot.
It certainly is a disaster of function without form. It’s so ugly, it seems to defy gravity. Obviously, it must be stable, right? They must have tested it, but the industrial design does not convince me that if all four passengers leaned the same way to fart, it wouldn’t tip over. I suppose that doesn’t really matter though. With a top speed of 40 miles per hour and a range of 25 miles per charge, you wouldn’t likely be hurt nor would you have far to walk should synchronized flatulence spoil your trip.
In other news, Prius drivers continue to marry.
I don’t think that should be legal, as it implies they’ll procreate. Public Service Announcement: Prius drivers, if you have children, remember that they must be properly nourished. Though a strict diet of Kale and Tibetan yak dung might work for you, your children need more lipids and proteins in their diet to keep them from growing up and buying zapcars when they’re unable to afford Priuses because you’ve wiped out your inheritance saving the Tibetan yak.
