Sometimes, when I feel like cutting myself, I go to the San Francisco Zoo instead. Depressing people since it was built in the 1930s, the SF Zoo is littered with sad looking animals. They’re strewn about haphazardly, as though Noah’s Ark exploded in the Pacific and deposited them with copious debris just past the Great Highway. Oh, and just before exploding, the Ark’s supply of barbiturates leaked into the animals’ water. And Noah walked around beating them with a club. And they hadn’t pumped the pit toilet for weeks.
Most of the poor animals had passed out, or were just lying on the ground—unable to sleep.
Those that hadn’t succumbed to drowsiness stared vacantly, waiting for food or death—whichever comes at 3PM.
Were it not for the hordes of monkeys, munching popcorn and tromping through the park with their screaming children, the SF Zoo would be a very quiet, still place. The animals themselves don’t move much, though I suppose it can’t be considered sloth when you’re brain dead.
It is unfortunate that the SF Zoo is so sad and generally decrepit. With just a bit more upkeep and better animal handling, it could be a beautiful destination in the middle of a fascinating city. As it is now, the only thing that keeps me coming back is the world’s largest gerbil.
I’m surprised they keep that there, what with all of the perverted celebrities running loose.
Tags: animals, depression, gerbil, sad, World's Largest Gerbil, zoo
Mr. Fucknut –
Nice post….for a psycho. Time to renew your script for the lithium, whackjob. If you only knew anything about how the keepers at the Zoo actually cared fo the animals, you would realize that your silly post is not only erroneous, but you’d realize that you are an outlier from normal society and should be admitted to Bellevue.
Keep up the cutting…maybe one day you’ll strike an artery and put yourself out of our misery.
Signed,
A normal, functioning member of society
Norm,
Please understand that I do believe that the SF zookeepers care very much for the animals. However, I also believe that Ruth Knueven loved every single one of her diseased felines, including the hundred or so dead ones. Love, unfortunately, does not mitigate cramped cages and long bouts of boredom. For an example of a zoo where proper funding and intelligent handlers supplement love, providing an environment in which animals actually thrive, please visit The Living Desert in Palm Springs, CA
And I’ll have you know there’s more lithium in me right now than in your ipod.
Love,
Gary
how big id thw gerbil it is for the prject for school i need to know asap
imani,
It’s approximately a sphere with a 4 foot radius. It weighs about 1/2 ton and eats nothing but nutritional yeast and the droppings of other animals. Unfortunately, its fur has fiber-optic qualities, which are valuable to high speed internet providers. They’re harvesting the poor gerbils and killing them by the thousands. We all must work together to stop the slaughter of these gentle creatures.
Good luck with your school project,
Gary
WHY CUT YOURSELF MAN
looked like that man was caring for that animal dont be stupid
Poppy,
Are you referring to the guy in the photo of the world’s largest gerbil? I can’t say it looks like he’s caring for the gerbil. To me, it looks like he’s walking across the grass with a metal pan while the gerbil sits in the foreground, sporting an annoyed look and drooling into a teal bowl. Perhaps the metal pan is somehow used to care for the gerbil, but in my experience, metal pans are more often used for beatings.
Also, I think you misread—I don’t cut myself. I go to the SF Zoo.
um…… Thats a kapibara……..
you know worlds largest rodent. anakonda food.
and how do you know its annoyed anyway?
No. It’s a gerbil. And it’s wearing the international expression for, “I’m annoyed”.
bobby is right it is a capibera, gary, get bent, ur webiste is shit
No, you’re both wrong. It *could* be a “capybara”. However, it’s not. It’s the world’s largest gerbil. And it’s seriously annoyed. Do you even know what site you’re on, or do you just google things and post without looking around?
Keep up the good work Gary, that gerbil is a monster! That thing’d have your arm off given the chance….
ha ha, he’s fat
Am I the only one who didn’t read more into this post other than it was pretty funny? Obviously every zoo has to have decent regulations for the care of their animals, or they’d be shut down by any number of animal welfare societies. Obviously they look pissed off – they live in a sodding cage for god’s sake! You people abusing someone you probably don’t know in the slightest need to get a life and a sense of humour.
Cheers for the giggles, Gary.
Leafy,
You betcha. It’s funny that people are still finding this post. I guess y’all are googling for info on the SF tiger attacks or something. I really try to keep as much gutter humor in this blog as possible—we are all just multiples of the lowest common denominator. But I guess I could go lower to keep everyone happy.
8====D
Penis!
( . )( . )
Boobs!
~
(*)
||
Cat butt!
——[=]
Spatula!
Yay.
i guess if you post your innermost thoughts on the net, your putting yourself out there for all types of opinions
so everyone is entitled to their opinion and here is mine – Gary, your pretty funny. a little macabre, but funny nevertheless.
and that is ONE BIG gerbil. look out richard gere.
haha, i wonder how imani’s gerbil project went.
comfycouchman,
I’m dying to know. I wish he’d return & let us know if he’s garnered interest in the plight of the giant gerbils. Poor things.
On a related note, I have Google Analytics installed and, while the #1 search term that drives traffic to this blog remains “I hate the Prius”, “worlds [sic] largest gerbil” is a close second. I don’t think Analytics lets you view geographical information for a specific term, but I’m betting most of these hits are coming from Southern California. Dirty celebs.
that made me laugh but the rodent is a capybara XD an not a giant gerbil. it has no tail =P the other animals look really bored. don’t they give em any enrichment? O.o
an why are people takin this so seriously? tis a blog so chill out people tis what Gary dude thinks not you hehehe
really, what is normal? is it what the majority succumbs to? what if there are only a lot of people with abnormalities and mr. fucknut right here is the one who’s normal?
makes me wonder…
that isnt a gerbil its what the australian people call a wombat.
gerbils dont grow that big only to the size of your palm.
wombats are part of the vombatidae family and gerbils are part Muridae family
abby xx
sorry i was wrong its a capibera
its a different family all together anyways so i dont no where you peeps got largest gerbil from
No, “someone from england”. You’re wrong. It is the world’s largest gerbil.
ok then gary
but us normal people no that its a capibera.
and anyways im studying animals so your the one thats wrong
No, “someone from england”. You’re still wrong. It is the world’s largest gerbil. You’re going to get an “F” in animals if you think otherwise. You’d best be studying harder.
“someone from england” and all thoes who say this is a capibera are completely right.
i owen 10 gerbils, and they live in aquariums and only weigh 100gram.
The capibara is the worlds largest rodent weighing around 60kg and looks like a big hamster
gary dont be a moron. the hundreds of pro breeders of gerbils would probably try to crucify you if they read it. for goodness’ sake, google a capybara and give up. it is not the world’s largest gerbil!
Dear “Gerbil owner” and “Eve”,
I’m sorry, you’re both wrong. It is definitely the world’s largest gerbil. It does look a bit like a capybara, but it is not a capybara. You can tell because it’s annoyed. Capybaras don’t get annoyed like that. The world’s largest gerbil is constantly annoyed because it is a gerbil and some inconsiderate people keep calling it a capybara—while others keep trying to sit on it.
Hey, does the phrase “hundreds of pro breeders of gerbils” strike anyone else as pant-wettingly funny?
Gary – You seriously need to do some research into gerbils if you think that that is a photo of a big one – it’s nothing like a gerbil in the slightest. And who the hell put the idea in your head that it was getting beaten with that pan?! You fucking nut job.
Dear “Someone else from England”,
It sounds like you’ve done a lot of research into gerbils. Perhaps you should look at them a bit longer before wrapping them up in duct tape and stuffing them up your bum. My photo looks exactly like the world’s largest annoyed gerbil.
I think my words were, “in my experience, metal pans are more often used for beatings.”
Finally, I’d like to thank everyone for their continued interest in this posting and their concern for the world’s largest gerbil. I’m sure that, if he knew he had such support, he’d be less annoyed. Perhaps instead of posting so adamantly here, y’all could make a donation to the zoo by “adopting” him. You’d make the gerbil happy by making the zoo less crappy.
I was actually looking up world’s largest penis, and up came this alarmingly large rodent. The zoo needs to get a really huge metal wheel(the ones that are in the mice and hamster cages). He’s really pissed because he doesn’t have one. That’s why he has(assuming he still doesn’t have one yet) the annoyed look on his face. Someone in SF needs to start, “Get the Gerbil a wheel” fund going. Maybe it would give all the gays something to do, since all they do is march in parades. mmppfff
Im sure the animals are cared for very much, but humans cannot re-create and actul inviorment, int he heat of the day animals appear sluggish.
Wanna see them in action? go at night!
And BTW GERBILS HAVE TAILS! LONG TAILS! I sould know, I breed them.
Kerry,
Did you find the world’s largest penis? No you did not, ’cause I’ve got it right here! *WHAP* *WHAP* *WHAP* Now I’m slappin’ you in the face with it. Yeah, “the gays” need more to do. I might just start that fund.
Kiya,
Sum humans cannot re-create and actul sentnce. This gerbil HAS A TAIL! A LONG TAIL! Its tukked underh im becuz hes annoyed.
Oh, Gary. Cheers.
The bog post was amusing, and I chortled at “the world’s largest gerbil” photo …
… but then, THEN came the list of comments and your stellar replies. My cheeks still ache a little bit from giggling.
I’ll have all the grammar-challenged, self-proclaimed biologist/animal factory production agents out there know that I breed both Gerbils AND Capybaras … and the animal pictured above is the species Rhombomys opimus anoier, more commonly known as “The Great Annoyed Nibbler” or “Crabbybara”. It is a gerbil native to Panama.
Most people are unaware that this species is a vicious carnivore, attacking when its annoyance threshold has reached the highest limit.
The man in back with the metal pan is most likely holding the object (along with that huge ass branch) for protection.
What a brave, brave soul.
HA! “bog” post: Is that a blog with murky meaning? ~grin~
I’m sure you’ll have fun with that one…
Oh, nutmeg. I was severely depressed this evening for no particular reason at all. But then your comment cheered me up. Thank you.
By, “bog” I’d assumed you were cleverly commenting on my stagnant blog. Perhaps that should become the official term for blogs that don’t update more than once a month—were they worthy of mention at all. : )
Oh good god, Gary. Please tell me you aren’t serious. “The world’s largest gerbil”, I’m sure. I just pray to some higher force you’re just being an asshole when you go on backing up your gerbil claim…
And if not, go find a brain. Capybaras and gerbils aren’t even alike, beyond being rodents. I mean, to begin with, Cabybaras grow bigger than, say, a Saint Bernard, while a gerbil fits in the palm of your hand. One has a tail, the other doesn’t. They aren’t even related beyond the very broad order of Rodentia.. Oh– and my favorite– Capybaras are semi aquatic, like hippos. And what’s this? Gerbils come from the DESERT. Now, isn’t that interesting?
What is the gerbil called and where can it be found?
Josh,
The gerbil’s full name is “Prince Iwana Humpurleg”, but people generally just refer to him as “Prince”. He lives in the recently-completed Mammoth Gerbil Kingdom (not to be confused with the older Gerbular Mammoth Kingdom) section of the San Francisco Zoo. It’s right next to the “Puente al Sur” area near the “Little Puffer Steam Strain” station.
You can find a map and more information here:
http://www.sfzoo.org
HAHA!!!!!!!!!
That was fantastic!! The blog post is amazing but the comments are even BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do most people who enter this blog have a sense of humour? or is it just us?
Loved ur replies best about the world’s biggest most pissed off gerbil in the world.
If you start a fund WE’LL JOIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Also if we went and gave him a hug would he cheer up? we’re a bit worried
Keep up the good work!!
Luv Saz and M
P.s next time ur there say hi from us to “Prince Iwana Humpurleg”
Wow this is one of the funniest forums I have come across, well done Gary you know your shit man, whether you are for real or just geeing up people its funny.
Its nothing like a wombat either, wombats are not from the rodent family at all….Nice try.
Love you work.
Awesome
Regards Nat sydney Australia
man…. its just a capybara…. at least try to know what animal you talk about… -_-
Oh my GOD people!!!! I’m 12 yrs old and even I know that its a capybara!! It’s face is always like that, and I own 2 gerbils myself, (although they hate me) and it’s TOTALLY different to them!!! And I went on the SF zoo web page, and they said nothing about a huge gerbil, but if they had one, they would advertise it.
Hi Gary,
I also go to the zoo to cut myself. In my considerable experience I have to disagree with you about your gerbil. The one in our local zoo looks just like that but they call it a brown whale. If you think yours is big you should see ours.
I cannot upload the photo I took the last time I went to see him – it was a bit smeared with blood and I tried to clean it with ammonia but that just made the whole mess worse and when I tried to dry it in the microwade the thing went “whoosh” – that’s the photo, not the brown gerbil whale-thing I was talking about.
Anyway, keep your blades away from some of your readers, they might hurt themselves.
All my love, one bleeder to another.
Hey Gary I went looking for pictures of “Giant Gerbils” for a picture to illustrate my new book “Gerbils through the Ages”. That one of yours is a monster, certainly larger than the Mongolia Special of 1893 and it could be as large as the famed 1663 Chinese sightings – I’d have to see and measure it’s girth to be certain.
Any chance I could use the photo in “Gerbils through the Ages” if I credit the site properly? Would be a great help as I don’t like the chance of going round the SF Zoo since it looks like all the animals are dying and depressing.
Yrs.
Sir John Deed,
I’d be happy to allow you to use this photo in return for a signed courtesy copy of the book. To make arrangements, please contact me privately at the sales address you’ll find in the FAQ section of this blog.
If I might make a minor suggestion, the marketing data I’ve gathered from this site suggest that a title such as, “Gerbils Through the Ages – A Journey of Erotic Discovery” would sell significantly more copies. Also, it should be a tunnel book.
HMM…world’s largest pissed off Gerbil in San Francisco? Coincidence, I think not. I think the Gerbil realizes its only a matter of time before they find out about him over in the Castro District and he ends up as somebody’s bitch!
The “gerbil” is actually called a Capybara, the world’s largest rodent. Though they are a member of the same family, this does not mean that the Capybara is a gerbil. Gerbils come from the deserts of Africa and the Middle Ease while Capybaras come from the South American rainforests.
Also, your site may be funny to you and a couple of others but to the vast majority of people who have posted here, it is obviously not. It is a humorless, pathetic waste of internet space. Find something better to do with your time other than giving humanity a synthetic reputation with your unnaturally low I.Q.