Posts Tagged ‘animals’

On Gerbils and Hybrid Cars

Friday, December 5th, 2008

If you haven’t been reading the comments around here, you’re missing out. There are two threads that have been especially entertaining:

The “Napping” thread began as a discussion of the San Francisco Zoo, but quickly degraded into rants about how little I know of gerbils. Some highlights:

imani Says:
how big id thw gerbil it is for the prject for school i need to know asap

Gary Says:
imani,

It’s approximately a sphere with a 4 foot radius. It weighs about 1/2 ton and eats nothing but nutritional yeast and the droppings of other animals. Unfortunately, its fur has fiber-optic qualities, which are valuable to high speed internet providers. They’re harvesting the poor gerbils and killing them by the thousands. We all must work together to stop the slaughter of these gentle creatures.

Good luck with your school project,
Gary

comfycouchman Says:
haha, i wonder how imani’s gerbil project went.

bobby Says:
um…… Thats a kapibara……..you know worlds largest rodent. anakonda food. and how do you know its annoyed anyway?

capibera lover Says:
bobby is right it is a capibera, gary, get bent, ur webiste is shit

someone from england Says:
that isnt a gerbil its what the australian people call a wombat.
gerbils dont grow that big only to the size of your palm.

wombats are part of the vombatidae family and gerbils are part Muridae family

Gary Says:
No, “someone from england”. You’re wrong. It is the world’s largest gerbil.

someone from england Says:
ok then gary
but us normal people no that its a capibera.
and anyways im studying animals so your the one thats wrong

And it goes on like this for some time. I’m warned of potentially angering the “hundreds of pro breeders of gerbils” while being raked through coals for my insistence upon the gerbil’s gerbulence. If you look carefully, you’ll find a spatula.

The “Prius” thread reads similarly, but I’m not the only target of the aggression. It’s currently about twice as long as “Napping”, so skip to the loo before settling down with some popcorn.

Having acknowledged that I’m not the sole provider of original content on this blog, I’d like to thank all the internet weirdoes that glut my database.

Cat Butt News

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

Our friends at Blue Q continue to crank out the cat-butt related products. With the new Cat Butts Mini-Kit, I finally have something to do while I’m chewing my Cat Butt Gum.

Cat Butt Mini-Kit

The handy field guide allows me to amaze and amuse my friends by identifying cat breeds from their arses alone. The cat butt magnets I find to be highly therapeutic.

Me undergoing magnet therapy

I’ve been wearing “Siberian” and “American Shorthair” for about a week and now I don’t suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome. I don’t have lower back pain or muscle spasms. I also don’t have cystic fibrosis. It’s amazing. I do still get the occasional bout of explosive diarrhea—but I’ve started taking Mighty Putty for that.

I picked up my Cat Butts Mini-Kit at my local Border’s bookstore. It was on the rotating impulse-buy shelf, which I compulsively sorted while standing in line to buy a book. If you don’t have a local Border’s, it looks like you can get it from Amazon:

I Has Leaves

Saturday, September 8th, 2007

Dayz gud!

LOLZ!

This cow was munching on leaves at Casa De Fruita.
What do you like to munch on?

It’s a Cow

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

It’s a cow.

It has a butt.

You squeeze it and poop comes out of its butt.

Any questions?

I Don’t Believe That They’re All “Napping”

Friday, June 22nd, 2007

Sometimes, when I feel like cutting myself, I go to the San Francisco Zoo instead. Depressing people since it was built in the 1930s, the SF Zoo is littered with sad looking animals. They’re strewn about haphazardly, as though Noah’s Ark exploded in the Pacific and deposited them with copious debris just past the Great Highway. Oh, and just before exploding, the Ark’s supply of barbiturates leaked into the animals’ water. And Noah walked around beating them with a club. And they hadn’t pumped the pit toilet for weeks.

Most of the poor animals had passed out, or were just lying on the ground—unable to sleep.

Those that hadn’t succumbed to drowsiness stared vacantly, waiting for food or death—whichever comes at 3PM.

Were it not for the hordes of monkeys, munching popcorn and tromping through the park with their screaming children, the SF Zoo would be a very quiet, still place. The animals themselves don’t move much, though I suppose it can’t be considered sloth when you’re brain dead.

It is unfortunate that the SF Zoo is so sad and generally decrepit. With just a bit more upkeep and better animal handling, it could be a beautiful destination in the middle of a fascinating city. As it is now, the only thing that keeps me coming back is the world’s largest gerbil.

World's Largest Gerbil

I’m surprised they keep that there, what with all of the perverted celebrities running loose.

I Has a Fish

Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

IT R GUD.

I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?

LOLZ!

Public Truck Sex

Wednesday, May 16th, 2007

Get a room.

Bump-chicka-bomp-bow.

What’s really gross is that they were going at it right next to Harris Ranch on I-5. For those of you who haven’t seen it, Harris Ranch is full of cows. Lots of cows. Cows everywhere. Cows on mounds of dirt. Cows on mounds of cow crap. Cows on mounds of rotting, diseased cows. They have to regularly water the cows just to keep the place from spontaneously combusting.

Delicious, delicious cows.

Should you feel so inclined, you can stop and eat some cows. Most people don’t. Most people get the F* away from Harris Ranch because Harris Ranch smells awful. Thus it’s particularly grody that those trucks were doggy stylin’ right next to Harris Ranch. Blech. Just thinking about it makes me barf a little in my beak.

Memo: Crippled Dogs are Still Funny

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

They’re even funnier when they’re hangin’ with homeless chix in San Francisco:

A hippie and her dog.

Isn’t that just the best? He looks like one of those soft flying discs. I imagine it working like this:

The amazing flying disc dog.

Ovbiously that wasn’t done in Ansys, so the dynamics may be a little off. In any case, the crippled dog in his blue elizabethan collar is funny. The only thing funnier is a busload of dead nuns and somebody being whacked in the balls. So, now that you know crippled dogs are funny, you should be anxious to pick up your copy of Berkeley Breathed’s, “Flawed Dogs”:

You Might Taste a Little Anise

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

Though dogs have long known that the cat’s litter box yields Sno-Caps, few others take their plates to the sandbox buffet. Personally, I’m torn between the stigma associated with kitty’s bum and this feeling of “what if it’s actually good & we’re all missing out?”

Happily for the curious and tormented, there is a socially acceptable answer. A company in Pittsfield, MA called Blue Q has developed Cat Butt Gum:
Cat Butt Gum

It is important to note that the gum is actually manufactured in Canada, thus no American cats are harmed in production. The keen observer will note that the cat pictured on the box is, indeed, Canadian.

I’m not sure how the cat butt is harvested, nor am I certain it’s all-natural; however, it has generally satisfied my curiosity. I purchased mine at Cottage on the York, and suggest that you do the same. My shipment from them was quite fresh. Though the box cheerily proclaims “Peppermint”, the actual flavor is not so distinct. I’m afraid I can’t describe it & recommend that you purchase a box or two for yourself. The back of the box contains helpful suggestions for choosing when to chew this gum. They are written in Canadianese but contain enough cognates as to be understandable.

I’m still waiting for the teeth-whitening version.

Enjoy.

NASA’s Budget Crisis

Monday, May 29th, 2006

Being a seagull, I enjoy flying down the California coast. The weather can be iffy, but scenic beach stops such as Santa Monica, Santa Cruz, and Pismo never fail to entertain. I have a particular fondness for Pismo Beach. The steep bluffs house thousands of friendly pelicans and it’s fun to watch the monkey-navigated ATVs scoot across the dunes. It also is home to what seems like 50% of the world’s elderly population. The elderly are an interesting phenomenon for gulls. They’re rather reliable food suppliers, but they tend to be fonder of the tweaky little finches. They’ll settle for convenience though; if no finches are around, they will sit and feed the gulls.

Adding to Pismo’s allure is its burgeoning scientific community. I’m not sure if this is public knowledge, but it appears that NASA has been funding research grants for the elderly Pismo residents. Even with their skyrocketing medical costs, I assume they’re cheaper than the usual government contractors. Besides, despite their syphilitic and Alzheimer’s-addled minds, they are still land monkeys. We shouldn’t throw them away.

Social views aside, it’s fascinating to watch the science of the Pismo Beach elderly. I was excited to witness one female’s research project, which I can only assume will lead to the next generation of the Mars Rover. This ancient womonkey was quietly winding her way down a gravel path (which, in retrospect, must have been fashioned after the Martian terrain). At first, I didn’t notice the small, autonomous vehicle trailing behind her:

Rover

However, its state-of-the-art sensors determined that I was in its way and it sounded a warning yif. I stepped aside and watched in amazement as Rover automatically regained tracking of the experiment’s blue-haired proctor. With a whir and a click it went on its way as though I hadn’t interfered at all.

Rover's Rear

Surely this will be a much better model than those pieces of crap that get stuck at the drop of a fedora. It sickens me to think of the money spent on those, when Pismo has produced such an elegant solution for the price of some prunes and a biscuit. Though I played an insignificant role, I am happy to have been involved in this project and I look forward to my next trip to Pismo Beach.