Happy New Year! This year, I resolve to create macaroni pictures for the Tron Moses Coconut. Four out of five seagulls think that the Tron Moses Coconut is more worshipable than the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This is largely because seagulls are self-conscious and can not reliably spell spagetthi.
Macaroni, on the other hand, is easy to spell and is captivating when glued to colored construction paper and dusted with glitter. Speaking of glitter, I would like to thank my sexy helper monkey for posing with the Tron Moses Coconut.
Having over-discussed glitter, let’s move on to Things that Suck. Today, the Thing that Sucks is Bistro 412 in downtown Palo Alto. Once again, this bar has lowered itself. While the rest of downtown was classing it up for the holidays—despite a weakened economy—B412 was tagging its windows with nasty-looking, ozone-depleting, penis-deflating fake snow.
I peeked in once, half expecting to see “bitches on poles”. Instead, the TopNotch ENT was only a frumpy-looking woman who we’ll call “Charrise” for the sake of conversation. Anyways, Charisse was standing next to “Edgar” at the bar and both were laughing, but looking around uncomfortably—as though they knew they’d made a bad choice and would make several more before morning. I shook my head sadly at Charisse and Edgar, but they couldn’t see me because B412’s windows are darker than an Escalade with really fucking dark, trashy windows.
Religion and society out of the way, let’s discuss economics. Like the rest of the world, I don’t understand economics. Maybe someone could explain to me the economy of free coffee with purchase of lotto.
Are retailers’ lotto margins especially high? Even if they are, this deal sounds backwards—it seems like you should throw in a free $1 lotto ticket with the purchase of a $4.95 mocha, where said mocha is really 2¢ of Chock full o’Nuts. You’ve burnt the crap out of the Chock full o’Nuts and frothed in some soy milk to make it taste strong & gourmet.
Of course, I don’t understand economics, which is why I’m not rich. I’m a poor seagull with a website. I make snarky comments about struggling bars and blaspheme the FSM. Oh, and I hate Prius drivers—but that’s really just a hobby…like emdash abuse.
It should be an interesting new year. May yours be full of free coffee and lotto.
